I came to the conclusion while serving time on the GSI seismic vessel, Hans Egede, that the northern Europeans did not know how to build a proper toilet. On a good old-fashioned American toilet the offering spends a minimum amount of airborne time before diving into the water. Unless it is a floater or a mega-dump situation, in the water is where it stays-- creating a minimum of stink. In short, the water filled siphon hole is directly beneath one's rectum or if you prefer, your ass-hole.

The northern European toilets on the other hand have the siphon hole directly beneath your scrotum (ball-bag) and dry porcelain in the drop zone. It simply lays there and stinks until the flush handle is pulled and all hell breaks loose. It (the turd) slides down the hole enroute to the suburbs, leaving a textured skid mark behind. Although I only understand English and a little border town Spanish, I could tell in any language that the person on the other side of the partition (persons in the case of a multi-holer) was bitching about the smell. Little did he realize that he was my brother.

Let me explain. American Indians used do the “cut your palm and hold it against the cut palm of your potential brother” trick, and voila--you're now blood brothers. (Note: This practice was discontinued in 1975, due to the fear of AIDs and the dwindling supply of Indians). I have a theory that since the cells in your body are renewed every seven years and the new cells are generated from the food you eat, the water you drink, and the air you breath; obviously when you are breathing the air of my essence, you become my shit brother . I have many shit brothers in the world, particularly the ones who worked with me in the doghouse.

All this is background material for my main theme. I was discussing the shortcomings of German toilets with my neighbors Guenther Pfingsten and his wife Irena one night after many beers. Their eyes grew large and both proceeded to tell me that the German toilet is a necessity. One should inspect one's BM closely. It supposedly will tell a lot about the state of one's health. There appears to be a whole branch of medicine unknown to the average American. Besides the occasional popped hemorrhoid, what is there is see? The Germans have knowledge the rest of us need to know. Perhaps the unchewed sweet corn means I need to chew my bites more or perhaps my partial plate needs adjusting - same for the peanuts. Perhaps an organic mound means something different from what I call “Lord of the Rings”. If any of you can shed light on this field of medicine, let me know.

I will say this; Germans have always been fascinated with bodily functions and their funniest jokes have to do with shit. At least that is my excuse.