The people in France are not only not all dead, they live longer on average than people in the U.S., if that left-wing propaganda organ known as The National Geographic Society is to be believed.

The reason I am mystified by this fact is that I have been nagged at pretty well constantly by (1) my doctor, (2) the federal government, and (3) every busybody and snoop I come in contact with. They nag me about the food I eat, the amount of alcohol that goes down my gullet, and the fact that I don't listen to their nagging.

I'm told pretty well constantly that I'll die of some horrible disease (cancer and heart disease are the commonest threats nowadays) if I don't mend my ways immediately, if not sooner.

And yet, I see the French people eating cheese, real butter, rich cream sauces, and all that sort of thing. It has been said that the three most important ingredients in French cuisine are time, love, and butter. A former president of France, Charles deGaulle, once said that a nation that makes 150 kinds of cheeses is impossible to govern. Food is a serious matter to the French as we see by the recent destruction of a McDonalds in Paris.

Another thing -- don't even think about the amount of wine that the average Frenchman gets down his throat in a year -- and folks, we're not talking Chateau Mouton Rothschild '59 here. We are talking about an Algerian red that puts me to mind of gargling barbed wire, and is cheaper (in France, at least) than gasoline. Another short-lived president of France, Pierre Mendes-France launched a campaign to get the French to give milk to their kids at meals. The electorate threw him out shortly afterwards.

In a recent column in The Dallas Morning News, Ms. Marylin Schwartz wrote to the effect that, "If you want to see a true sneer, ask the maitre d' at a French restaurant for a table in the non-smoking section..." Not only do the French smoke everywhere, even in the subway, they don't even smoke "low-tar" filtered cigarettes. The most popular cigarettes in France are nasty things made of a tobacco that is blacker than your boot, with no filter at all, that will leave the average American gasping for breath. Trust me, half a dozen puffs on a Gitane brand cigarette is all you'll want, even if you smoke a lot.