The recipe has been anglicised, but for Gaffer Tape, read Duct Tape, and the results will be the same

After you mentioned cooking a chili, it crossed my mind that the following might be of interest, it describes the process required to make an everlasting Doodlebuggers Chili

(don't tell mother that I was a Doodlebugger, she thought that I played the piano in a whorehouse ...).

It originated within a number of seismic survey crews, so is very tolerant of a wide variety of ingredients, and was usually made after the cooks had gone to bed and locked as much of the galley up as they possibly could ..... --Nick

You need a few pounds of something dead, cut into chunks, and then browned in the oil that you cooked chips in a couple of weeks ago, or some old dripping - if you have any road-kill about the place, this is a good use for it, but do try to remove the more obvious tread pattern as it cooks un-evenly.

Move the browned dead meat somewhere, and fry up several grated onions (it's quicker than chopping the buggers up), then when they get to the point that eyes start watering, smash a couple of cloves of garlic up (more is better, a lot more is better still) and throw them in, and then a couple of inches of grated ginger, more if you've got it or are starting to enjoy yourself. Dig out a good handful of chillies, and set about them with a sharp knife - hammering them is okay, but the bits fly, so scrounge a pair of goggles from the workshop if you're planning to do it that way - getting bits in your eye might sting a little.

Scoop up the chilli, and throw it in - keep frying (you should be barely able to see by now, and the wall paper will be looking a bit iffy, depending on the quality of the chillies, it will either peel from the top, or unstick at the bottom, and slowly roll up the wall) - if you throw in a handful of smoked pimentos, you can kid people that you cooked it on the barbie cos it's got that lightly combusted taste. Hell, by the end of the week, it will be lightly combusted, so don't worry too much ...

I wouldn't normally suggest that you wash your hands as a little dirt is good for keeping the immune system in good shape, but if you've been handling chillies, it's always a good idea to keep the fingers away from anything that might sting, unless of course you're into pain, in which case, see the gun mechanics. In the case of accidental contact with female bits, either apply plain yoghurt in large quantities, or better still borrow a pressure washer, and use that. Lager works well too, but it's a shame to waste it, and it tends to froth up in a pressure washer.

This would normally be where I'd start throwing more chilli in with great enthusiasm - you can't actually taste the ginger, it just gives it all a bit of depth, and you can pretend that you actually learned something on the leave that you probably spent in Thailand, but don't actually recall - speaking of which, cannabis chilli doesn't work real well, so don't be tempted to waste it in the dish, it won't do anything for the chilli, or for you. Save it for later - it makes sitting in the heads for a couple of hours putting off the pain more relaxing.

It's at this point that going anywhere near the pan should actually stop you being able to breathe, and the weaker bluebottles in the room will start diving for cover (or just falling from the wall, if this happens, be careful, as they make the floor slippery) - the dogs usually leave the room, and then the house about now too, and the extraction system starts moaning quietly to itself.

Sling the meat back in and give it a stir to stop it actually igniting - then whip the top off a few cans of chopped tomatoes, or get some of the really mushy ones out of the back of the fridge, scrape off anything that looks as though it might be sentient, pick off the bits of cheese and bacon from the fridge floor that are sticking to them, and sling them in too. If they don't disintegrate - get in there and knock them about a bit.

If you do have to do this, they probably weren't ripe enough, or may actually not be tomatoes. If this proves to be the case, make sure that the cook doesn't have any unpleasant habits that require you fish out whatever you just put in, and then proceed as though they were tomatoes - it's highly unlikely that they will have enough of a flavour to make a significant difference to the final result.

If you can find any bits of old dead pig at the back of the fridge, cut into chunks and throw it in, it adds a sort of chewy surprise to the dish. Don't bother about cutting the rind off bacon, it usually just drops off and provides something to talk about later when it turns up at the bottom of the pan.

Add stock, or beer, but it's a real shame to waste it, unless of course you opened a pint, in which case it's a good excuse to drink the remaining half - failing that, drink both halves and throw in a few tins of soup, or some tomato juice - too much tomato, throw in beef soup, or something similar ... fruit juice doesn't work too well, neither does coke or Sprite, but hey, who am I to judge - there's no point in using anything too alcoholic at this point, it just cooks out, and might actually constitute a fire risk.

Have a shufti around the fridge to see what else looks as though it should be contained, or disposed of before it goes critical, and lob that in too. Have a poke about the larder for bulgar wheat, odd bits of pasta that you were planning to get rid of, dried vegetables for soup - fling those in as well. You can add dried fruit, but it's a bit pointless, and tends to make people think that you're a health freak, which really isn't the right impression at all.

Give the whole lot a bloody good stir, then turn the heat down and stick the lid on with gaffer tape - once it's stuck down, you can always shake it for a bit to quieten it down - replace the gaffer tape as it disintegrates, and top up with beer if it looks a bit dry, or indeed yourself if you should find you are becoming a little dry ...........

Leave it heaving and muttering for at least an hour, then turn it down a bit more - if you've got it about right and put enough chilli in, somewhere about two hours in, you should start hearing a sort of ting - splat noise. That'll be the surviving flies heading for daylight at VNE (velocity not exceed) and spreading themselves over the window - the green, corrosive fumes are fairly normal and best countered with another beer. Protective head gear will save you from assorted items dropping from the ceiling, and it's always a good idea to make sure that the dog made it out of the kitchen before passing out because tripping over it and spilling your beer would be a bit of a disaster.

Throw in some beans, doesn't actually matter what sort, but it's best to rinse baked beans, the sauce disturbs the subtle balance that you were aiming for, and the beans have to be there for their effect if nothing else. Always a good idea to throw in a couple of vodkas about now too, does sod all for the flavour, but it makes it easier to clean the pan as it will start dissolving the more stubborn bits

The chilli can be eaten now, or better still, kept over night and then reheated next day when a whole spectrum of new culinary events will have had the opportunity to develop. Keeping the lid secured with Gaffer tape prevents unfortunate accidents, and avoids the possibility that someone lacking your fine culinary ability might tip a bottle of coon-ass ketchup into it - beer is okay at this point.

In it's native form, about half would be eaten, usually about 4 in the morning, and then returned to the fridge for the other shift to add appropriate ingredients 12 hours later, and then they in turn would return it to the fridge for you when you come back on shift - it should be possible to keep it going for about a week like that.

Given the Mexican theme, chocolate can be added, but it should be plain, not Mint Aero, Cadbury's Fruit and Nut, or Turkish Delight which gives it an oddly perfumed quality. On no account add a Hershey bar as it is a well known fact that the Americans use them as a means of disposing of toxic waste by selling it to the unsuspecting public.

Kitchen implements should not be left in as they will tend to dissolve. The dish can be reheated by stripping back the insulation from the live and neutral wires in a mains cable and suspending them a few inches apart in the chilli, but in this case, it should be stirred by the junior members of the shift.

If you should put a little on the dog's food the next day to give him a little variety in his diet, open the back door BEFORE putting his bowl down, and put it close to the door.